Surviving the Holiday without You

Surviving the Holiday without You

It's not that we miss you more during the holidays, we miss you the same amount every single day, every single hour, every single second.

I think it's just the absence of you is felt much stronger during holiday season.  What was once looked forward to every year and known as some of the happiest of days is now the saddest time of year.

What was once nothing but laughter and joy is now a deafening silence echoing off the walls of our home.

Someone always mentions you during the holiday, and I may never be one to say it, but that hurts more.  I wish they wouldn't remind me that you aren't here.

It feels better if we don't mention the fact that you're not there.

Your bedroom looked the same for years, until our family grew.  Your place at the table was still there for a long time after you left us, but now it's filled with others as our family continues to grow.  We're all getting married and sharing in moments that you're missing out on. And that makes me angry.

I wish I could say that I once felt your presence in the empty chair next to me at the table during dinner, but I didn't.  And now that your chair is filled with someone else, it makes no difference. I don't feel you there. I never really did.  That makes me feel guilty because everyone seems to feel you but I don't.  Because for me, you're not here. I don't feel you.  Your presence is better felt when I'm alone, not surrounded by everyone else.

I don't feel you here and maybe that's why I hate getting together for the holiday.  It's better that I don't see my family during the holiday, because that way it's not so obvious that you're gone.

I see all these other families that once knew you, they're all celebrating, moving on with their lives because your death only hit them for a year or so.  It's not that I want every family to experience loss, but I wish they realized ours will never be the same. Every year that you've been gone gets harder.  It doesn't get easier.  I don't care what anyone says; your absence becomes more unbearable as the years go by.

When people reminisce, you become less a part of those memories.  That terrifies me.  The more we celebrate holiday's without you, the less you become a part of the stories that we share around the table.

Each year the goes by is a reminder that more of my life has passed without you in it.  And I hate it.

Sometimes I write your name down as someone to buy a Christmas present for and then I remember you won't be there.  Sometimes I still think of a funny line from a movie and think about calling you...but then I remember you're not here. 

The emptiness that surrounds me during the holiday season is some of the worst I've ever felt and no words can truly describe the pain.

I know you wouldn't want it to be that way.

I know you would tell me to keep smiling, to keep giving and to keep celebrating.

I know you would do that.  You're a better person than me. 

You would tell me that I need to enjoy the rest of my family even without you there because it's not fair to them that I'm also absent even though I'm right next to them.

I know my family feels it.  Without you, I'm just not there.

It's safe to say that you were the best soul in our family and that's why you were taken away. Only the good die young. It wouldn't be such a popular line if it was not true. You were the best. Even if you were breathing we would all say that. You're the one everyone relied on. You're the one no one ever got mad at.  You were the most beautiful soul to ever grace this planet.

I'm glad you don't have to live in this world where terror and hatred are prevalent. You're lucky, you really are.  Where you are is where we wish we all were.

And it's selfish of me to wish you were here. I just want you to know I still miss you.

I just want you to know I'm doing everything to make you proud and I hope you realize that you're the reason I'm trying to stay strong.

I just want you to know,

I don't celebrate the holiday anymore.

I survive it

...without you. 

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